Some Thought and Reflection

I took some time off to take care of me.  I get into funks now and then because I compare myself to others.  Mainly those who have the unique opportunity to stay home with their children.  Something I have wanted and feel that I need.  I came to the conclusion that maybe I need this struggle to better prepare myself, my family and my spirit for what may come in the future.  I don't know what the future holds, but after listening to Pres. Uctdorfs (LDS General Authority and Counselor in the Presidency) I realize I need to close my umbrella and accept blessings as they fall from heaven.

Got to spend a great day yesterday with a great bunch of youth at the temple and now I feel ready to take on the world.

ACCEPT what cannot be changed

Life in the Staley Family has not changed.   I still work out of the home and am doing my best to better accept what I cannot change.  My Heavenly Father has a reason for me to be doing what I am doing.  I have to accept that.  Plain and simple.

I have, though, had some changes that I never did see coming...or maybe a little.  I was called nearly 6 months ago to become our Young Womens president for our ward.  I had every intention of saying no. With my busy work schedule and mom schedule there was just no way it was going to work out, but something wouldn't let me say no.  I had to say yes.  I am not perfect and have made some mistakes, but I have learned a great deal from the wonderful girls.  They make me a better person and help me accept what I cannot change.

Paul has been called as the First Counselor and Scoutmaster for our ward's Young Mens group.  This makes life even busier for our family of four.  But I have seen a change in him that makes my heart melt.   For so many years, because of his occupation and different schedules, he hadn't been able to hold a calling that, in my opinion, made him feel that he was really doing anything.  Now he carries himself in different way, in a good way, in a better way.

Cameron turned 11 and joined the ranks of the Boy Scouts.  No more Cub Scouts for my boy.  Now he gets to spend his time with his dad at Scouts.  He loves it.

Madeline has hit growth spurt after growth spurt.  She is nearly as tall as her brother and doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon.  She can hardly wait for her 8th birthday and everything that comes with being 8.

We have been busy with the kids swim season and both kids qualified for the Meet of Champions in Woodland, CA.  I couldn't be more happy of their success.  I have fish for children.  Can't wait to see what happens in 2 weeks.  I hope, that no matter where they finish,

that they are happy with their results, whether they come in first of dead last.








A picture of my little fish at the beach in Santa Cruz.  Madeline loved the ocean and being in it, Cameron loves it from the safety of the beach.

Lemons & Lemonade

Just when I thought that life had handed me all the lemons to make lemonade, a few more were thrown my way just to add to the fun.  We all know the saying "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade", but I have way to many lemons and not enough pitchers to hold the lemonade that is needing to be made.

Today my kids and I had a cry fest.  A cry fest that is one for the ages.  I miss being at home with my kids.  They miss me being home.  I feel guilty because I have to work so much away from home and they feel bad because I have to work outside the home.  It is a catch 22 lately.  When we think we are headed in a direction that will give me a chance to be the "stay at home mom" it all comes crashing back to reality that it can't happen yet.  And I suffer in silence until I break and my kids break, because they know how much I miss being the mom that I feel had to take a back seat to help our situation and give our kids opportunities to grow and develop into the individuals that they want to be someday.

Sacrificing is so hard and so is making lemonade.  Especially when the lemons keep coming.  And so there will be lots of lemonade on hand if anyone is looking for some.  I have a lot.

Again and again and again

It has been a few weeks since I last wrote.  I had been avoiding the blog, because it would be the same old story.

I have worked outside the home from the beginning of our marriage.  Kids were born, and I continued to work.  Our kids have come to an age where I wish I was home.  And every week I am wishing that this particular dream/blessing would come to light and come true.  And every week I sink a little lower when it doesn't happen.

I love what I do, but it has changed since last year.  I find myself just trying to make it through the day without letting on how miserable I am.  My problem, I bring my misery home because I have no outlet at work.  I am consistently helping everyone, but myself.  I help the PT in the office, I help the patients in office, I help the receptionist in the office, I come home and I help the kids as best I can.  Yet, I always bring a poor attitude home and it affects me, and I know it affects my children.  I try so hard and yet I feel like they keep their distance because they are afraid of tipping the scale to far and getting an earful from their me.

I can't keep up at home.  My life is being affected in ways that I didn't want to happen.  I just want for someone to see beyond my fake smile and know that I am not okay, because I won't tell anyone, because I have to stay strong.  I have to maintain that everything on the inside is the same as the outside.

I feel lost and am trying to find my way.  Someday soon it has to all change for the better.

The Dreaded Phone Call From Your Child's School

You all know those phone calls.  The ones where the secretary is telling you to remain calm.  Are you able to come to the school and pick up your child.  There was an accident.  You might want to have him checked out.  That is the phone call that I received at 11:11 am this morning while at work.  Those are the only phone calls that I take when I am at work if there are patients in the office.

Here are the details of what happened.  All mom's of boys have all had this happen at some point.  If it hasn't happened yet, give it some time, it will.  Cameron was playing on the playground equipment.  Somehow or another he was tripped while running up the stairs, fell down, and his face and mouth met the next step.  Which made for a cracked front tooth and another very loose front tooth.

A trip to the dentist, and he said we should wait until Friday to see what happens with the roots of his two front teeth, in the event that there was so much trauma that a root canal would need to happen.  He didn't want to do any work today if there was more work that was going to need to happen.  A big relief to my pocket book at this point.

I remember a similar situation during my elementary school years, only my teeth met a rather sturdy metal pole.  To this day I have never played fox in a box.  Lesson for those with little girls who like to jump rope, make sure to look strait ahead, and don't look back to see if you are going to be tagged, metal poles come out of nowhere and crack teeth.  My situation was not nearly as severe as my son's.  I did though have to have the tooth repaired, I exposed the nerve and that is very painful.  I had to have the same dentistry work done two years later after the first  because my face met the side of a pool while playing Marco Polo.  Did I mention I have a very expensive mouth.  I do, 6 years of braces, two sets of retainers (3 if you count the pair I broke in Jr. High) and now a crown to boot.

I can look at this event and be grateful though.  At least Cameron did not hit his nose that was repaired during the summer.  He ran into a metal pole (those darn metal poles again), broke it, and had to have surgery to repair it.  I have come to realize that there are probably many more times that something is going to happen to Cameron and his mouth, nose, or face in years to come.  There is just something about that kid.  He must have a target on that cute little face of his.

I think we are going to be doing a lot of washing to see if we can remove the target.

Paul Revere AKA Cameron Staley

Today I had the opportunity to play mom instead of employee for a small window of time this morning.  I forgot how much  enjoyed walking my kids to school and listening to the conversations they hold with one another.  It usually consists of one telling the other that they are going to fast, to turn into a foot race to see who can get there first.

Today though, I got to watch our Cameron-Man perform his best Paul Revere (in costume) for a history lesson in class today.  Having that small opportunity, and watching him grin knowing that I sacrificed some pay and time from work to see him, made all the difference in the world.

My perspective needs a little kick sometimes.  And sometimes I need to stop and smell the roses and just let things be.  So what if my house isn't spotless, it just shows that our house is lived in and love resides here.

Enjoy the pictures of our own little Paul Revere!

Wrong Side of the Bed...Maybe

Every now and again I wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  Sometimes it can last all week.  My husband says its PMS, I just say I'm not happy and can't find my happy place.  Today was one of those days, and nothing seemed to get me out of my funk.  I have a feeling it is probably going to be one of those weeks.  No amount of scripture reading, meditation, and deep breathing helped me out of it today.

On a good note, and I would like to end on a good note, I did get 6 chapters in the Book of Mormon read.  At least I know where to go for help so that I do not blow my top, but I did with a certain little man, when I saw his missing assignment sheet with his grades.  Makes mommy rethink some choices she has made in the last year.

Back I go to scripture reading and heartfelt prayers to make it through the week in one piece, and so that my kids can make it through the week in one piece also.

A Handbook Would Be Nice

Sometimes I wish that kids would come with a handbook.  One that would explain the actions of a usually very obedient and sweet little boy, who loses all aspects of right and wrong and what he has been taught.  

Recently it has come to light that our very sweet (emotional at times) young man has been the target of a bully.  For weeks we could not figure out what was going on with our little guy, until he came down stairs to have us ground him because he was not doing his homework.  Not normal for the boy who wants to have strait  A's.

Today we caught this usually obedient kiddo in a lie that will have some serious consequences.  Consequences that will make it hard for him to be trusted.  Consequences very similar to the boy crying wolf.

A handbook would make this situation easier for his parents to understand and easier to make him understand how much more difficult he has made this particular situation.

My hope is that he will step up, manage to get enough courage to do the right thing and finally put all of this behind him, so that we can get our sweet, obedient little guy back.

Sacrifices

I have made a large number of sacrifices in my life.  None have seemed to a take as large a toll on my spirit as working full time out of the home has.  It was a difficult decision to come to.  It is still difficult to leave home every morning and not be able to walk my kids to school.  I don't think it will ever not be difficult to leave.  I just have to remind myself that the sacrifices that have to be made are for blessings in the future.

I have had yet another schedule change at work that now cuts my lunch hour to a half hour.  I was already working an hour of overtime due to our therapists different schedules and now we are adding another half hour to my already long day.  The extra money really is nice when it comes to working out our debt situation, but it is difficult to spend even more time away from my family.

The one miracle that keeps me going, is knowing that anything my kids want to do, we have the means to allow that to happen.  I have the greatest husband in the world, who has taken on even more responsibility around the house to take some of the load off of me.  That is on top of his already difficult job.  The two of us really know how to work as a team.  What time we get together as a couple and as a family is time well spent and memories that will last a life time.  And that makes the sacrifices seem small in the grand scheme of things.

Perspective

It is funny how something small and insignificant can change ones perspective.  Life is never easy.  Never has been, never will be.  That much I know, but life and its events can change ones perspective.  I have always been somewhat of a pessimist.  Just my nature.  I was always quick to judge instead of seeing what I need to see first and then making the judgement.  Or hearing what I needed to hear and than making a judgement.  Life and its imperfections have made me change my perspective.  Take what I have and make it what I can, good or bad.

Instead of feeling anxious and nervous, I have a calm that I have never experienced.  I can only hope that this change of heart and spirit might continue.  I'm not perfect by any means, don't think I will be ever, but I can strive to make myself perfect enough that someone will see me in a different light and question my change, that I might be able to change their life and perspective as well.

I live for the gospel of Jesus Christ, I live for my family, and I live to spend eternity with them.  Nothing is more important than this.

New Year, New Goal...Lets stick with it

I am hoping that my time will be more allotted to write my days happenings on our blog, that I might make sure to reflect each day on the events that transpired.  That I might be able to write more often about the good, the bad, the ugly... and come out and see how I can change and grow and become the better person that I know I can be, I just have to work at it.

I am not a perfect person, mother or wife.  My time is not always spent in ways that don't make me feel guilty when I am done looking at my phone for 3 hours.  I have found that I tend to idle my time away as soon as I walk in the door from work each evening.

I am hoping with the coming year that I can be less idle, I now write my to do list the night before so that I see it on the white board every morning when I get up.  I am hoping that I can be more physically active and more attentive to myself, again less idle.  I am hoping that I can de-clutter my home, get rid of some of the acquired items that just sit and collect dust.  And maybe get my sanity back in the meantime, that I don't overwhelm myself when I look at all the work that needs to be accomplished, when I am so busy that I can't find the time to tidy up.

Some of my goals will continue past the first initial week of this year, and some will fall prey to the failed resolutions bucket.  My hope is, that if I write it down, I might hold myself more accountable to myself.

                                                  This is the reason for my goals for 2014