Again and again and again

It has been a few weeks since I last wrote.  I had been avoiding the blog, because it would be the same old story.

I have worked outside the home from the beginning of our marriage.  Kids were born, and I continued to work.  Our kids have come to an age where I wish I was home.  And every week I am wishing that this particular dream/blessing would come to light and come true.  And every week I sink a little lower when it doesn't happen.

I love what I do, but it has changed since last year.  I find myself just trying to make it through the day without letting on how miserable I am.  My problem, I bring my misery home because I have no outlet at work.  I am consistently helping everyone, but myself.  I help the PT in the office, I help the patients in office, I help the receptionist in the office, I come home and I help the kids as best I can.  Yet, I always bring a poor attitude home and it affects me, and I know it affects my children.  I try so hard and yet I feel like they keep their distance because they are afraid of tipping the scale to far and getting an earful from their me.

I can't keep up at home.  My life is being affected in ways that I didn't want to happen.  I just want for someone to see beyond my fake smile and know that I am not okay, because I won't tell anyone, because I have to stay strong.  I have to maintain that everything on the inside is the same as the outside.

I feel lost and am trying to find my way.  Someday soon it has to all change for the better.