It has been a few weeks since I last wrote. I had been avoiding the blog, because it would be the same old story.
I have worked outside the home from the beginning of our marriage. Kids were born, and I continued to work. Our kids have come to an age where I wish I was home. And every week I am wishing that this particular dream/blessing would come to light and come true. And every week I sink a little lower when it doesn't happen.
I love what I do, but it has changed since last year. I find myself just trying to make it through the day without letting on how miserable I am. My problem, I bring my misery home because I have no outlet at work. I am consistently helping everyone, but myself. I help the PT in the office, I help the patients in office, I help the receptionist in the office, I come home and I help the kids as best I can. Yet, I always bring a poor attitude home and it affects me, and I know it affects my children. I try so hard and yet I feel like they keep their distance because they are afraid of tipping the scale to far and getting an earful from their me.
I can't keep up at home. My life is being affected in ways that I didn't want to happen. I just want for someone to see beyond my fake smile and know that I am not okay, because I won't tell anyone, because I have to stay strong. I have to maintain that everything on the inside is the same as the outside.
I feel lost and am trying to find my way. Someday soon it has to all change for the better.